we are los angeles.

so! i don't know if i've had active enemies before...i'm sure i have...but nonetheless i am happy to meet this new phase of life relationships head-on and with great attention!

so i know that to some folks reputations are important and all, right? right. so, bad news - there is no damage you can do to mine that i haven't already done myself. that's not a dig on myself, it's just true. i just can't seem to make myself remember that i need to care about what people think about me. i just go and go and go and do as i do and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. so. the people who are turned off by me because of blankety-blank and such-n-such, i guess it just wasn't a friendship meant to be. and you can keep them as your friends. and maybe you can count them as points or something. i dunno - just throwing out ideas!

thanks for keeping it interesting and i will see you on the front.
(i'll be the one in the party dress)

...i wrote "one day we will go back to new orleans and we will..."


and now i know what we will do.


it took 3 years 5 months and 31 days to answer that question.

1. always order first and set the bar high.
2. never sit at the head of the table or else everyone will know when you are whispering/have to sneak out/spit something into your napkin.
3. don't be afraid to correct the waiter, the other guests will ultimately respect you for it even if they initially act ashamed (who are these people, anyway?)
4. when it's time to take your aspirin, don't hide it. it may send the right message.
5. if the terrible women are attempting to dominate the conversation, launch into detailed questionnaire conversation with alpha male. if you are alpha male, pit the terrible women against each other.
6. take action! if a guest has become an intolerable drunk, facilitate their exit via cab. volunteer to escort them out. do ask them for a loan. do not be demure.
7. take action! it's best to quell unrealistic flirtations early. it's easy to find the right time to ask about someone's weight loss struggle/recent termination/battle with alcoholism.
8. do not encourage the funny anecdote about:
-the guy at work
-the thing the cat did
-the dynamic observations of man/woman, black/white, strait/gay
9. do encourage the funny anecdote about:
-the embarrassing thing the terrible women did
-the time you did anything they for whatever retarded reason find interesting enough to remember and then reference publicly
-the incompetence of the help
10. ignore all pop culture references.
11. defend joan rivers.
12. give compliments earnestly.
13. interrupt the terrible women. they are used to it.

on to the mohawk for more moving of the movement.

http://www.yelp.com/user_details?userid=2OE7uUsx5VDshFzPFK6XUQ

local flavor comedy tour was an eat fest.

newmovementtheater.com

there is no margin for error. so get your hair did. get your slacks pressed. represent that shit.


wait...here....crescendo (thank you, i've been fucking incredible)

they've been expecting it all along and here is the delivery.

KICK IN THE DOOR. TITTIES OUT. STEP UP.

they've denounced associations for it, bled into it, branded with their faces, asked for a kiss and then got fucked well and in the good ways, sometimes the bad ways but regardless they got to talk really dirty like they never imagined and so what if we are all too drunk to tell the difference and for that matter the truth of how it all went down, anyhow. and anyway. it doesn't matter because in the end i know the way to a really good party. everyone just wants a moment on the mic to hear their voices. any they'll get it. some are just not heard. because there is another party to go to and so many of those invitations are bunk.

THIS IS A MEGAPHONE. MARCH IN PLACE.

LISTEN: if you are worried then you are doing it wrong. if there are any doubts in your mind you haven't been paying attention. you don't have to go home and you can definitely stay here if you know how.



where you at?
where you at?



i'm sorry it's just hard to see with all these lights in my eyes.

This one is for Del.

- decided on what flag is the most beautiful
- put jewels in my mouth
- witnessed many fires
- pulled a splinter from a lions paw, was later kindly rewarded by same lion
- learned what was truly remarkable about tony danza, tom sellic and santa
- was led into a ballroom by a blindfolded man
- got a gorilla face
- had a ceremony at sunrise
- waved a ship back to china
- helped my brother with power of flight
- delighted at an encounter with the most terrible girl in the world
- burned up everything in sight
- asked a doctor all the medical questions i could think of as quickly as possible
- helped my best friend during a very confusing marathon
- too many poodles

accidentally sent what reads to be an excessively condescending text message to boss.
tried to correct by sending "oops, cat sent text!"
then i realized how weird that was.

coldtowne theater won best of austin for 3rd year in a row.

my show w/ jastroch (lovey & lovey) won critics pick.

i never knew i could exercise such restraint
i never tested my "if they can't do traditions, one mustn't trust them with inventions" theory
i never walked right out of a dream
i never intended to be nice
i never wasted a moment
i never have been so embarrassed by flirting
i never believed youth could be recaptured with such minimal effort
i never forgot they were watching every move
i never thought it wouldn't be said back to me in french
i never thought it was really all that bad
i never waited so long for so much and been so pleased
i never lost control
i never thought i would go back
i never looked so well fitted
i never dialed a number nervously
i never had to wait
i never was confused by territorial boundaries

.assemble a rub for mothers pork dinner
.redress the porcelain dolls
.confuse the other house cat by whistling the rite of spring
.eat the rest of the figs so the children don't get scolded
.adjust posture, verify correctness in mirror, have photograph made with a strangers pet
.help mother pound grommets into velvet
.make a drum that may be heard from across the street
.catalog love letters
.question crush on tarkan, sanjay dutt
.dust off old frames for new photos of dead family
.wash rubber boots in the yard with a hose
.revise list of desired silverware
.buy the gifts which are supposed to be returned
.pick cat claws out of mothers new decorative pillow
.eat week old cake in secret

.do your dishes
.patch your friends coat
.take items (winter) to the dry cleaner
.get free money, write thank you notes
.apply the salves
.find home for stray
.eat your oatmeal
.compliment your mother on your birthday
.sit up strait
.be generous with the dentist
.understand you have no responsibility for other peoples agendas
.see a concert of bells
.sew a costume for a child
.water someone elses plants
.decorate your dead cat's grave
.present something unexpected and delightful
.make your boss laugh
.compliment the lady at the bank
.dance for st. joseph's day, leave a loaf of bread for your catholic friend
.send a card to a child (with modes of transportation pictured)

we got snoballs and i chose the black cherry because i wanted to see what it would do to my teeth and tongue (result: just looks like cherry). they lower our core temperatures and we sat in the dark cool of the theater eating dark cool icee and after shock freezing myself and feeling shivers for the first time in so long i had the urge to sit in the hard pressure of the sun again to even it all out.


that's pretty much how exactly everything is right now.
that's pretty much exactly it.